Almost every life story contains a period that splits it in two: an illness, a death, a business that failed, a war, a departure. Children usually know only the outside of it. Questions about hard times and resilience ask about the inside, and that is generally the part where you come to know your parent best.
What you'll find here:
- Why this is the hardest subject and the most valuable one.
- How to open it without ambushing anyone.
- Questions about what happened, who was there, and what came of it.
- When to stop, and how to notice that you should.
Why this subject gives the most back
People rarely volunteer their hardest years. Not because they buried them, but because they wanted to spare their children and that became a habit. The result is that many families know the facts and not the story.
When that story finally gets told, something shifts. You hear not only what happened, but what someone thought at the time, who turned out to be there and who did not, and how life went on. It is often the only part of a life story where someone explains why they are who they are.
How to open it
- Say where you are heading: "I would like to talk about those difficult years too, if that is alright."
- Pick one period, not every hardship at once.
- Make clear that stopping is fine, and mean it.
How to hold a conversation that can carry this
Ask permission more than once
The best follow-up on a painful subject is: "Do you want to say more about this, or shall we leave it there?" That hands control back. For exactly that reason, most people carry on.
Acknowledge, do not fix
If someone becomes emotional, acknowledgement is the right response: "I can see this still gets to you." Not comfort, not perspective, not another question. Saying nothing for a moment is usually best.
Ask about the people around it
"Who stood by you then?" almost always opens more than a question about feelings. People talk about others more easily than about themselves.
Do not assume it was traumatic
What sounds heavy to you may simply have been how things were for the teller. Leave the weight with them rather than laying your own interpretation over it.
Keep it from turning into an interview
We build a question plan around what your parent actually lived through, and write follow-up questions based on what was really said. See how it works. More background in our guide on interviewing your parents.
Questions about what happened
- Which period of your life was the hardest?
- How old were you then, and where were you living?
- What is the first thing you remember about that time?
- Did you know then how serious it was, or did that only sink in later?
- What changed from one day to the next?
- What did an ordinary day look like in that period?
- What did you tell nobody at the time?
Questions about who was there
- Who stood by you?
- Was there someone who helped when you had not expected it?
- Who let you down?
- What was it like for your parents, brothers or sisters?
- Was there anyone you could talk to about it then?
- Is there someone you never got to thank?
Questions about what came after
- When did you notice things were getting better?
- What helped you through it?
- Did you do things differently afterwards?
- Is there something you never saw the same way again?
- What would you say to someone in the middle of it now?
- Did anything come out of it that you would not want to have missed?
- Looking back, what did you come to value about yourself?
When to stop
There is a difference between being moved and being overwhelmed. The first belongs here; the second is a signal.
Watch the body, not the words
Someone who keeps talking but sits rigidly, breathes faster or looks away is telling you it is enough. Words follow much later.
Close on something else
Never end a heavy conversation at its heaviest point. Move to a lighter subject, or something from the same period that went well, and let the conversation end there.
Come back another time
A subject that is too much today can be exactly right in two months. Keep the question, do not press.
This belongs in the book
A life story without the hard years has no spine. Our guide on recording family interviews covers capturing these fragments carefully.